Denied the Right
by Fansquee
Summary: Wash's gotta take a leak… and Mal's not making it easy.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss Whedon does..

"You only have to hold on for another two hours!"

"But I need to go _now_!"

"Wash, it's hard enough to have Kaylee tell me that she can't find, or make, the parts to fix the gorram plumbing and then have you whining at me like a spoilt toddler!"

Wash only gave Mal a hard stare for a few seconds. "Fine, but was it necessary to barge in on the cockpit and shoot open the door?"

Mal blinked, lowered his gun, and turned around while he waited for Wash to zip his fly closed.

"You shouldn't sneak up on a person when they're peeing." The pilot grumbled, a bad mood beginning due to the fact he was being denied a basic human function.

"Wasn't like you were in any position to do anything." Mal commented holstering the weapon.

"I would have come up with something."

Wash continued to grumble as Mal gave the message over the comm of their predicament. He could hear shouts of protest and sounds of revolt from some of the crew as his words took effect of how it was going to change a few scheduled stops.

Mal and a visibly squirming Wash agreed on a station, though it did shady business even by Badger's standards but they weren't in a position to be choosing who they were dealing with… and it had a toilet.

"Would you sit still?" Mal snapped at Wash, who was crossing and uncrossing his feet. "You're worse than a six year-old sitting on a cactus wrapped in barbed wire!"

"I'm sorry," Wash snarked back, "but my bladder is close to exploding point and it's causing pain and discomfort on my prostate."

"Telling me what manly bits hurting ain't gonna change the subject Wash," Mal replied as he looked around for an empty drink bottle. "Here, use this!"

Wash looked at him. "It won't hold it all."

"How would you know?"

"A pilot knows these things." He simply sniffed.

Mal bit back a harsh remark, took a deep breath and continued. "Fine, I'll find you a rutting pan!" Continuing to hold back the building insults, he headed for the galley to find a container that would never be missed by the crew. Barely five minutes had passed the sirens to call attention to a premature landing was commencing. She was also telling the captain that it was just a bit faster than she would have liked.

Thinking that the pilot had finally gone mad, Mal dropped the flip-jug and raced for the cockpit to see Wash landing _Serenity_ far earlier than was necessary.

"What the gorram hell do you think you're doing?" He all but practically yelled.

"Pit stop."

"What? No!" Mal threw his hands up and attempted to abort the landing, but Wash smacked him with a T-Rex. "Does the title 'Captain' mean nothing to you people anymore?"

"Apparently."

"Get this damn boat into the black now, Wash!"

"Oh, and what are you gonna do, Mal?" He asked sarcastically as he struggled with the ships born instinct to crash.

"Shoot you!" was the short reply.

"Shoot me?" Wash only laughed it off. "I'm flying this ship, and you know I'll deliberately crash and kill us all!"

Mal didn't know what to say. Pilots were a finicky bunch. One wrong move and they'd turn a twenty-minute trip into three days of hell… or threaten your ship with a crash landing where they'd only survive… just to prove a point or to take a delayed wiz in the open.

"Think about Zoë," Mal tried as the pilot flicked the three switches he wasn't sure had an actual purpose.

"Oh, I am," Wash replied and he began the shutdown sequence. "I plan on having kids."

This stopped the Captain in his tracks. "When was I going to be told this?"

"Um … when Zoë was holding the baby?" Wash simply shrugged. "Nothing says 'Surprise!' like getting no choice in matters that aren't any of your concern."

"It's my damn concern whatever happens on this boat." Mal tried with him the 'I-am-the-Captain' tone of voice and it failed as Wash gave him a look that could melt sand.

"Well, I'm known as 'Captain Commitment' … you're just 'Captain'."

Mal was about to threaten the pilot with something heavy and blunt when the ship gave a shuddering half and Wash practically flew down the corridors. Zoë called out to her husband in concern as she also gave chase with Mal who was near his heels.

The cargo bay doors were already open and they heard Wash curse heaven, hell and all of Budda's followers… plus several other religions even Inara had never heard about. All because there was no trees on the godforsaken rock.

Wash hopped around a bit before his eyes lit with an idea and he ran towards the ship.

"Don't you dare think about taking a leak on Serenity!" Kaylee cried out in horror.

"Aw, come on!" The pilot whipped around to see all of the crew had come to watch the show. His distress face was already beet red from the burning sun.

Kaylee pointed away from the ship to a general direction. "Do it over there!"

"It's in the open!" Wash practically yelled.

"You landed here, you do it here." Zoë commanded her husband.

They waited a few moments where nothing happened at all, Wash had run a few meters away but something was wrong.

"I can't go with you all watching."

All the crew turned around without a second word.

For a few seconds, nothing could be heard but the wind.

Then… Jayne started fidgeting.

"Gorram it, now I gotta take a leak." And he left the crew line.

A moment passed before, wordlessly, Mal also left the ranks.

Kaylee couldn't help herself she started laughing as even Simon joined in, Zoë started laughing soon after as she'd spotted River on top of the shuttle taking as many pictures as possible.

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